If Only

‘If only I can turn back time.’

Those words are daunting me. I can bargain my soul in order to go back to that single moment in my life and make all the right choices in the process.

If only I have not succumbed to my overwhelming emotions. If only I have not crossed that single line separating friendship from a relationship. If only I have been strong enough and just be contented being friends with him. If only I have said NO.

Then, I won’t be feeling this hurricane of emotions right now. I won’t be feeling this excruciating pain. It is as if my heart has been cut into pieces and scattered all around the floor. The wound is too deep it won’t stop bleeding.

And silently, I let my tears stream down my face. Whimpering in the middle of the night. Unable to sleep.

I don’t know how long I can be able to bear this kind of feeling, or if I can go out of this mess alive. But I think I can’t hold on any longer. I have mustered every ounce of my strength and now it leaves me defenseless.

It is getting hard to fake a smile on my face in every passing day. To act like I am happy but deep down inside, I’m dying. 

Can we, please,  just bring back those days? Those days when both of us are genuinely happy being friends.