If Only

‘If only I can turn back time.’

Those words are daunting me. I can bargain my soul in order to go back to that single moment in my life and make all the right choices in the process.

If only I have not succumbed to my overwhelming emotions. If only I have not crossed that single line separating friendship from a relationship. If only I have been strong enough and just be contented being friends with him. If only I have said NO.

Then, I won’t be feeling this hurricane of emotions right now. I won’t be feeling this excruciating pain. It is as if my heart has been cut into pieces and scattered all around the floor. The wound is too deep it won’t stop bleeding.

And silently, I let my tears stream down my face. Whimpering in the middle of the night. Unable to sleep.

I don’t know how long I can be able to bear this kind of feeling, or if I can go out of this mess alive. But I think I can’t hold on any longer. I have mustered every ounce of my strength and now it leaves me defenseless.

It is getting hard to fake a smile on my face in every passing day. To act like I am happy but deep down inside, I’m dying. 

Can we, please,  just bring back those days? Those days when both of us are genuinely happy being friends.

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Lost Soul

She found herself in the middle of the woods. The trees are making a strange whooping sound as it dance violently with the wind. She shuddered as fear enveloped her being. She cried for help. She screamed her heart out. But it only echoed back to her.

Perching on the root of the tree, she held her knees in defeat and she whispered to the wind, “What’s the point of screaming? No one’s listening, anyway”.

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Out of Reach

The Arabian sun will be waving its morning greetings soon but I am still awake because sleep evades me.

Someone close to my heart will be leaving soon. For good.

It’s true that people in our lives just come and go. But what if the person who will leave holds dear to you? And you know very well that that person will not coming back ever again. You will no longer see him or just watch him from afar. You can’t even steal glances and sigh.

The very thought of these are unbearable. But truth is to be told, no matter how painful it may seem.

What makes it all the more deafening is just watching that person go, unable to move like a spectator in a football game. Even when you saw a foul play in a game of your favorite football team and everybody else seems defiant, you can’t do anything about it. You may scream your heart out, but no one will hear you. Nobody will care. Because you have no right. You are only a Spectator.

And who am I to tell to that person not to leave? I don’t even have the courage to say goodbye to him. He’s life has all been intricately planned like a blueprint of the best Architect in the world, God. I can’t just barge in and ruin such plan.

The least I can do is to be happy for him and be thankful to have met a beautiful person like him. He may be out of my sight, I may not be hear his voice, see his smile, get in touch with him, or eventhough all these senses will be gone, I know that memories will be heightened. My memories of him may not be as rich as compared to his memories with others, I am still thankful that I have some of it to hold and to cherish.

It hurts to say goodbye but I have to face it. He may not know how much he means to me but a little of his affection that he has given me is more than enough.

I will truly miss him.

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An Unspoken Words Left Unheard

Tick. Tock.

The second hand continue to keep ticking. It’s already 4am and my mind is in complete turmoil. I have never felt so troubled before not until this moment. The very moment that I have heard something about you again. Was it five, four, or six weeks since I last heard of you? I can’t even remember when but it seems like forever.

We have been constantly sending e-mails to each other like what Christian T. Grey and Anatasia R. Steele do with those sort of insanely-cute-and-crappy-sometimes-dotdot/smiley subject. Telling most, if not all of the events that happened to our lives. Sharing each others opinions, plans and feelings. You are the only person I completely opened myself up. Who knew not only my name but also the darkest secret I kept in my closet. Locked. Secured. Safely hidden. You are the very best friend I’ve ever had.

But where are you when I needed you the most? You disappeared like ashes in the water. Have I said or done something wrong that made you so upset with me like this? When things around me started to have vibrant colors, you suddenly fade into nothingness.

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I have so many things to share to you these past couple of weeks.  Something or shall I say, someone knocked on my door again. After two long, and lonesome years, that person came back. I don’t know if you can still remember him but I really wanted to consult this to you. You know that I really value your opinion more than anybody else. Being careful not to make the same mistakes all over again.

I am in the verge of confusion right now, and I know that noone can understand me the way you do. You completely knw me and my story. So, if you happen to read this, will you e-mail me back? Or will you just come back?

Here. Being my bestfriend.